Note the

N


Note the presence of a skirt in a song called “My Jeans”

So Jenna and co decide that it’s about time to PUT SOME FUCKING JEANS IN THIS VIDEO and play dress ups as catwalk models, and we finally see these jeans that Jenna is fapping about…and they’re pretty basic. Some diamond studs around an iron-on rose. Woohoo. Then her friends jump around like idiots and the video is over.

I’m probably being very cruel to a 12-year-old here, but kids suck unless they’re related to me or related to my friends. You can just tell that his girl is one of those girls who does debating and is in the choir and genuinely believes that being elected student president will let her change how the school runs, and you just know that she does every one of those activities with her eyebrows raised to give her face a bit more expression.*

But that’s not the worst thing. Her promotional pages (which either she or her mother have clearly written) are deliberately written to try and get her on the Disney channel. She’s also making a point that she’s not affiliated with ARK, but sounds just as mediocre as those videos. She’s autotuned out the wazoo, the song is lyrically ridiculous, and the video’s obnoxious.

The best thing about this video is a Blackberry commercial dressed in a white hat.

And finally, who gets this excited about jeans? Yeah, there’s clothing related songs – we all know some broad looked amazing in her itsy-bitsy-teenie-weenie yellow polka-dot bikini, and that there’s a guy out there who wants a girl in a short skirt and a long jacket, but no one has ever sung in as much fetishistic detail about a pair of jeans.

Because the video is these girls playing dress ups so much, they end up acting a bit beyond their age. It’s only a small number of years, but having this girl flash her ass with a diamond ‘J’ on it smacks of impropriety given that she’s 12. Whereas Britt Rutter’s video was a bit too innocent, this one’s a bit too slutty for 12-year-olds. And also, what the hell does “jack my swag” mean!?

*Nothing against those who join choirs, debate teams or student body councils. But if you do it with raised eyebrows…die.

KIELY WILLIAMS – “Spectacular”

Basic Gist of the Song: Kiely Williams is a slut.

Basic Gist of the Video: Kiely Williams is a slut.

Kiely Williams was one of the Cheetah Girlz, and if you don’t know who they are, consider every day you’ve lived a gift. She broke away from them and wanted to dirty-up her image a bit, as countless singers and actresses have done. In bad cases, you have Miley Cyrus trying to tart up with “Can’t Be Tamed” but not quite getting it right. In good cases, you have Jessica Biel and James Van Der Beek ditching their roles in saccharine-sweet 7th Heaven and Dawson’s Creek and playing parts in the incredibly underrated Rules of Attraction .

He ain’t never living this down though.

Then you have train-wrecks of incredible magnitude like Kiely trying to dirty up her image. Instead of giving you too much analysis on this, I’m just going to post the lyrics, and ask you to keep in mind that this was her first single following the ultra-kid-friendly Cheetah Girls , so there were tonnes of little kids checking on their favourite Cheetah’s new efforts.

Last night I was drunk.

I don’t remember much.

But what I do comes in pictures.

Thats how gone I was.

But he was tall and he was buying.

So I gave him a try and.

Said he was built like a stallion.

And the man wasn’t lying.

Last I remember I was face down.

Ass up, clothes off, broke off, dozed off.

Even though I’m not sure of his name.

He could get it again if he wanted.

Cause the sex was spectacular.

The sex was spectacular (yeaaah)

The sex was spectacular.

The sex was spectacular.

So it was the morning after.

I couldn’t get home faster.

Doing the walk of shame.

In the same clothes from yesterday.

I think he pulled a track out.

When he was blowing my back out.

What was I drinking.

I cant believe I blacked out.

Last I remember I was face down.

Ass up, clothes off, broke off, dozed off.

Even though I’m not sure of his name.

He could get it again if he wanted.

Cause the sex was spectacular.

The sex was spectacular (yeaaah)

The sex was spectacular.

The sex was spectacular.

You can say what you want but.

You can call me a slut but.

What he did to me last night felt so good.

I must have been on drugs.

I hope he used a rubber.

Or I’mma be in trouble.

Problem is I don’t remember.

Except for rollin’ over.

Give it to me, give it to me.

Ooh baby what a ride ride.

So smooth like it beats.

I like the heat.

Ooh baby what a night night.

Cause the sex was spectacular.

The sex was spectacular (yeaaah)

The sex was spectacular.

The sex was spectacular.

Also the video below – aside from the joke at the start – is pretty spot on.

Musically, it’s woeful. Lyrically, it’s pornographic, and the video takes after the lyrics.

What this song is doing – and keep in mind I’m not exactly conservative when it comes to people’s sexualities and what they wanna do with their bodies – is glorifying being a slut. The additional sadness here is that she seems like a pretty cool girl. The video below is her offering sex advice for teens. It’s not only honest, but also good advice and not condescending.

Bikini birthing skirts

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